First 250 words Smoke Rising
I don’t blame anyone for how my life started, but I’m less than thrilled by how I’ve been told to live it.
I remember what it was like when I was little, before I knew Conner was my father. The first time he stood up in front of our class in Precademy I felt a connection to him that pulled me in. I was fascinated by his ability to answer any question we had for him and how he’d get so excited when we would mimic something he was working on with us. The excitement faded the day that I noticed our resemblance.
Conner was teaching us a lesson in observing our surroundings and asked us all to look around and find something another person may not have noticed. I caught a glimpse of my own reflection in the window behind him. I sat there, amazed at the exact replica of my eyes on another person. I was an orphan and my twin brother looked nothing like me so I’d never shared a likeness with another person. The similarity made me feel even more connected to Conner and I wanted him to feel the connection as well. When it was my turn I announced my observation with pride.
“Your eyes are just like mine.”
I expected the typical cheerful response from him, but instead his facial expression left me feeling as if I’d disappointed him with a wrong answer. Now I know that I wasn’t supposed to have noticed our resemblance.
posted by Becky at
Monday, May 30, 2011
5 Comments:
This information about her father is doubtlessly a very important key to her personality, but perhaps it should come a bit later in the ms. I find it's best to focus on what the mc is doing/wanting now, showing your world-buildig through setting, and adding some tension or stakes to get readers to turn the page.
Overall, your writing is lovely, and the voice is strong. There just wasn't enough hook for me. (Just my opinion though.)
Good luck!
Laura, thanks for having a look! It's actually the first 250 of the preface. 250 words is hard to catch a full hook in someone!!
I disagree with Laura. For me, this sets up the conflict of why Connor wouldn't want her to know he's her father if he's working so close to her and how the two of them are going to go forward (or not) with their relationship. I think it's a very interesting premise and I would read on to find out more.
I liked the first sentence too. It made me want to see what was going on with this narrator. Good job!
Thank you for your comment Sarah. I like that you were able to pick up on the dilemma that Conner and Kem were in during those early days due to their unique situation.
Made me want to read on. My only suggestion is in the line ...made me feel even more connected to Conner... I'd leave out the words even more, reduces the effectiveness.
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